I am
gonna have it all here. How I want to change, why I want to, and talk about
things I thought I am the only one having it. I am so depressed all the time,
like really all the time because I don’t easily talk about my thinking and
ideas and every “private” things in my life. I thought I am the only one
struggling. I really just need to open my mind, open the way I think. I am so
stressed that I know I haven’t gone far, that I know I want to change something
but I dunno how to get it. I want to learn to study routinely and effectively
but all I did, I just read once whenever I am in mood to learn but I always
make sure I read something on that day (even I know its far from effective
because I only read few pages and then feel depressed). Beside, so many things
to learn, to read. Instead of thinking all those too extreme, I usually just don’t
read. Haha but I can’t do that anymore. I want to learn, I want to improve.
Well I think I can do better if I have a good life in organization.
Organization really make you feel alive. You have bigger problem in time
management, but that’s how we learn right? By having ourselves in a rough
situation. Intinya dari membuka wawasan dan pikiran itu, aku jadi percaya dan
gak malu bahwa smua orang punya cara nya sendiri melakukan sesuatu. Aku terlalu
memaksakan pikiran ku utk jadi seseorang yang spesifik seperti yg ada di
gambaran ku yaitu gambaran orang2 keren karna aku gak punya prinsip atas itu. I
should take control a lot more. And also, I cannot do many things at once as I
want. I should plan it to be done one by one. I said, I force myself too much.
Put too much stress on myself. Padahal aku bisa merencanakannya. Idiot ga?
Aku
bener2 lupa untuk gak stress. Caranya gak stress ya kita cari penyelesaiannya
bukannya malah stress. Stress gak menyelesaikan apapun men!! Gabisa belajar, ya
cari penyebabnya. Gabisa organisasi, ya cari penyebabnya. Gabisa tepat waktu,
gabisa konsisten, gabisa ngomong didepan, gabisa komitmen buat ningkatin skill,
ya dicari penyebabnya. Stress won’t get you anywhere!!! Dalam hal nentuin
target pun gitu, don’t put stress on it. Karna keasikan nunda, aku jadi gak
masang target. Tau2, hasemeleh dah ntu nilai. Nyesel gak belajar. Janji di
semester depan bakal belajar. Tapi gak jg belajar. Intinya jangan cm disadari,
tapi dipahami seberapa urgen keperluan itu. Daan, kalo mau menyelesaikan masalah,
make a detail completion about how you will do it. All these times, I just got
it into the crust, not the core. That’s why I stressed a lot. Well I do have
social anxiety and other kind of anxiety that I don’t know what its name. But
it can be handled if I try hard on it.
Lately,
I work hard on my personality. I read books in order to fix the way I think. To
find what is really wrong with my life, how I supposed to find my pathway, how
I can contribute to myself and others. I am so distracted with those ideas
because I really have no ideas about that. I am stressed.. I don’t know what to
do. I blame myself, I blame my past. I’m kinda try to combine the comprehension
I get from “Kesalahan dalam Mengejar Impian 2”, “Awaken the Giant Within”, and “The
Secret” books. I want to learn how I supposed to live. I shouldn’t just accept
myself in these powerlessness. That I live with no experience at all, that I
live with no talent and no specific skills. I live in a miserable ways. I
filled myself with a lot mental block. I believe that I don’t have a dream
because I know I never really have one. I used to do all these but the
difference from this time is I try to do it with lesser stress. Oh, I also got
stressed by the idea “Will everything I work on now will really bring something
for my future?”. That question remain in my brain all the time. All the time I
try to make an productive effective day. I now try to discipline. To do things
on the right places. Like jogging 3 times in a week, read books every day. I
try to create better habits because I believe, great people become great by
start having good habits. But I still troubled of having it for my study so I
research more about how I will study. Bismillah, I hope from now on, there’ll
be no more “Gatau harus ngapain” sentences. Well think. I realized that I never
really think. I said I know and I know, but I never get deep into it. I don’t know
the essence. That’s why my life lacks of meanings. I start to search on
something outside my brain while actually they all already inside my head and I
just need to put a little effort to think about that. I just need to think.
I am not
wanting to be more stressed in future because of the more tasks and more
pressure while I haven’t work on my brain, on my thoughts and believes. So I
hope there’ll be no more procrastinating. I should plan my study well and how I
want my task and homework done. Well, I know now that I shouldn’t work on my “way
of thinking”. I just need to work on my habit because working on something
imaginary isn’t a really right parameter to change. It’s not right to the core.
Well I still learn. But I know I will improve. Wish me luck.
Btw,
being in this state makes everything more cleared to me. I can think whatever I
want to think without being “mentally blocked”. It’s still far from having a
clear vision of my career but I will, I promise, I will improve it soon. Soon I
will be knowing what I want to do for my future and how I want to do it. Amin.
