Stress Won't Help.. Trust Me!!

I am gonna have it all here. How I want to change, why I want to, and talk about things I thought I am the only one having it. I am so depressed all the time, like really all the time because I don’t easily talk about my thinking and ideas and every “private” things in my life. I thought I am the only one struggling. I really just need to open my mind, open the way I think. I am so stressed that I know I haven’t gone far, that I know I want to change something but I dunno how to get it. I want to learn to study routinely and effectively but all I did, I just read once whenever I am in mood to learn but I always make sure I read something on that day (even I know its far from effective because I only read few pages and then feel depressed). Beside, so many things to learn, to read. Instead of thinking all those too extreme, I usually just don’t read. Haha but I can’t do that anymore. I want to learn, I want to improve. Well I think I can do better if I have a good life in organization. Organization really make you feel alive. You have bigger problem in time management, but that’s how we learn right? By having ourselves in a rough situation. Intinya dari membuka wawasan dan pikiran itu, aku jadi percaya dan gak malu bahwa smua orang punya cara nya sendiri melakukan sesuatu. Aku terlalu memaksakan pikiran ku utk jadi seseorang yang spesifik seperti yg ada di gambaran ku yaitu gambaran orang2 keren karna aku gak punya prinsip atas itu. I should take control a lot more. And also, I cannot do many things at once as I want. I should plan it to be done one by one. I said, I force myself too much. Put too much stress on myself. Padahal aku bisa merencanakannya. Idiot ga?

Aku bener2 lupa untuk gak stress. Caranya gak stress ya kita cari penyelesaiannya bukannya malah stress. Stress gak menyelesaikan apapun men!! Gabisa belajar, ya cari penyebabnya. Gabisa organisasi, ya cari penyebabnya. Gabisa tepat waktu, gabisa konsisten, gabisa ngomong didepan, gabisa komitmen buat ningkatin skill, ya dicari penyebabnya. Stress won’t get you anywhere!!! Dalam hal nentuin target pun gitu, don’t put stress on it. Karna keasikan nunda, aku jadi gak masang target. Tau2, hasemeleh dah ntu nilai. Nyesel gak belajar. Janji di semester depan bakal belajar. Tapi gak jg belajar. Intinya jangan cm disadari, tapi dipahami seberapa urgen keperluan itu. Daan, kalo mau menyelesaikan masalah, make a detail completion about how you will do it. All these times, I just got it into the crust, not the core. That’s why I stressed a lot. Well I do have social anxiety and other kind of anxiety that I don’t know what its name. But it can be handled if I try hard on it.

Lately, I work hard on my personality. I read books in order to fix the way I think. To find what is really wrong with my life, how I supposed to find my pathway, how I can contribute to myself and others. I am so distracted with those ideas because I really have no ideas about that. I am stressed.. I don’t know what to do. I blame myself, I blame my past. I’m kinda try to combine the comprehension I get from “Kesalahan dalam Mengejar Impian 2”, “Awaken the Giant Within”, and “The Secret” books. I want to learn how I supposed to live. I shouldn’t just accept myself in these powerlessness. That I live with no experience at all, that I live with no talent and no specific skills. I live in a miserable ways. I filled myself with a lot mental block. I believe that I don’t have a dream because I know I never really have one. I used to do all these but the difference from this time is I try to do it with lesser stress. Oh, I also got stressed by the idea “Will everything I work on now will really bring something for my future?”. That question remain in my brain all the time. All the time I try to make an productive effective day. I now try to discipline. To do things on the right places. Like jogging 3 times in a week, read books every day. I try to create better habits because I believe, great people become great by start having good habits. But I still troubled of having it for my study so I research more about how I will study. Bismillah, I hope from now on, there’ll be no more “Gatau harus ngapain” sentences. Well think. I realized that I never really think. I said I know and I know, but I never get deep into it. I don’t know the essence. That’s why my life lacks of meanings. I start to search on something outside my brain while actually they all already inside my head and I just need to put a little effort to think about that. I just need to think.

I am not wanting to be more stressed in future because of the more tasks and more pressure while I haven’t work on my brain, on my thoughts and believes. So I hope there’ll be no more procrastinating. I should plan my study well and how I want my task and homework done. Well, I know now that I shouldn’t work on my “way of thinking”. I just need to work on my habit because working on something imaginary isn’t a really right parameter to change. It’s not right to the core. Well I still learn. But I know I will improve. Wish me luck.

Btw, being in this state makes everything more cleared to me. I can think whatever I want to think without being “mentally blocked”. It’s still far from having a clear vision of my career but I will, I promise, I will improve it soon. Soon I will be knowing what I want to do for my future and how I want to do it. Amin.