No, everything is not okay. I still waste time. Cant figure out what I need to do. I just do what I want to do, though its still not everything. Not all out. Cant find motivation why I need to study so my GPA is very low. Maybe around 2.5
I still have depression on how I going to face this world. I have these concerns. I cant talk and hang out with people I want to. Im still a geek with very scrambled way of think. Im a useless man, I usually think like that. Like I want to do what I need to do, but I just dont know what I should do. I try to be more active, more concern with campuss' issues. I try to be involved in every event ITERA had. That's my capacity right now. I still only can do it for myself. I take very much rather than give very much. It does make me happy, at least for now. I also try to involved in some organization. I joined UKM, I try to apply to be staff in comitte for a technology seminar which is good. I feel more alive. But I got stucked in the middle. I am afraid I cant handle this responsibility and I lose everybody's trust. Absolutely I dont want that. I joined Madani, I dont really contribute much and I feel guilty about it. I feel like wherever Im in, there's always no job for me. I cant do anything. That's what sad me. So I start to think that I should get myself skilled to be more contribute in organization. I am happy I could enter those, but there are also some other else that make me quite sad. And it can prevent me to get step out of this. But again, I got this thinking again: if I start to get skilled now, wouldn't it take too much time for me to start preparing my future? Oh I must be crazy and I start to feel depressed.
Beside, I usually also feel this. Feel that the things I am doing, that I thing it makes me quite happy and feel more alive, when I see it from other people's point of view, I realized that what I am doing isn't quite necessary. I am doing something waste. That hit me deep down inside. Can't I do something right? I feel like I've never do something right. It all just wrong.
Tapi aku jg tau dibalik unhappy feelings itu smua, aku masih ada byk kekurangan yg blm aku selesain. Aku suka nunda2 and very undiscipline. Trus aku juga blm punya keyakinan dan pegangan kuat ttg kepercayaan ku, jd aku slalu goyah. Ditambah dg susah move on dr masa lalu yg payah. Terus aja bragging ke masa lalu. Nah itu lah. Itu jg berkontribusi dalam rasa unhappy dlm diri ku. Trus aku jg susah have fun. Because of all those kekurangan, aku mencegah diriku buat terlalu byk bersenang2 dan akhirnya aku lupa cara utk release stress. Wahahah. Complicated huh?
Tapi aku jg punya goals2 kecil ini, keinginan2 ku yaitu utk jd org yg lepas dan bs ngmg didepan khalayak umum. Aku gatau kno itu matters banget buatku pokoknya aku ngerasa harus bisa pokoknya buat overcome it. Tapi seringnya ditengah jalan semangat ku gak se-membara ini. Slalu nya ciut ditengah jalan kyk gak ada hasrat lagi utk merubah itu smua. Aku jg gamau mendem2 smuanya lagi kayak gini. Bener2 gak enak. Aku gak mencoba jd extrovert because I know I cant. Aku cm hrs bs bergaul dg cara ku sendiri dengan mencoba ceplas ceplos. Gak enak bgt rasanya jd diriku yg kayak gini, parah. Smuanya dipendem aja. It kills me so bad. Bikin stress dan bikin jd uncreative. Aku jd gabisa berkarya.
Aku punya concern sometimes, tapi sulit buat gerak. I know I have something but I just dunno how to exert it out. How to just spill it out. Really crazed me.
Mgkn determination ku kurang tinggi, bs jadi. Ditambah kebiasaan2 buruk yg dipelihara, jadilah worst diri ini. Rasa minder itu timbul disaat aku ngeliat org lain dg segudang talenta mereka sdgkn aku gapunya kemampuan apa2. Oh God, how could you say its okay if u havent know your talenta? Ali Abidin from I'm On My Way Virtual Program said that. Tapi mgkn aja bener. Dia blg slama kamu lg proses mencari dan gak leha2. Slama kamu dlm proses berubah, itu gapapa. Hahah masalahnya aku jg suka nunda2. Kadang lupa knp I feel that I should do something dan akhirnya gak dikerjain sampe akhirnya ketemu hal yg bikin down, baru deh sok2 nyalahin diri. Wkwk, it repeat over and over again. Emang "Hanya Aku Manusia Bodoh". Parahhh.
I'm On My Way punya cara buat ko keluar dr zona buruk ini or at least memperluas pandanganmu. I think I should join this. I gotta find six hundred thousands. It'll means nothing once you feel the advantages. Aku rasa aku emang perlu. Ini tu kyk personal assist jg dg lewat webinar gitu jd ngerasa lbh personal aja. Aku jg biasanya bs lebih terbuka ke stranger drpd org yg ku kenal, so I'm going in. Disamping itu jg barangkali ada sesi2 buat nanya ato sharing2 kan, lumayan buat bersosialisasi jg. Blajar berani kyk bule. Aku hrs ikut!!!
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