Friday Morning

 It usually dont work when I expect something ideal whether it deals with money, time or buying something or planning something (even just for daily agenda till the big one). If I feel rush and excited, it wont come good. How can terrible person like me should have a dream?
       They dunno and its a burdensome. They expect lot from me. I would have just kill myself for being unnecessary person.
       Kata BR aku ini emang blm hidup. Toh L gk punya motor tp tetep bs kemana2.
       I need someone to tell how bad I am. I do bad. Terrible. Always wasting time, miscommitment from myself. I need an eye one me, I need another brain outside my real brain to think for me and remind me everutime I forget. Bangsat! Ini kutukaaaaan. Aku kena adzab. Aku gk bs menguasai dan mengontrol diri dan waktu ku. I live like a zombie. Dunno what to do. Katanya mau bertualang? Bullshit. I feel very very bad of myself. Nobody can help me but me because Allah had already cursed me. I cant ask Him a favor. Its up to me!! Whether to have dream or not . Whether to live like this or not. This act will lead into a big regrets in the future. Are u prepared for it? U know what u do now, u know the consequences!!!
       Are u stupid or something? Expect people love you, happy with u, know u, while ure doing nothing? What can be prouded of u? Its not what u think "Getting advantages from friends". U do not wortg that. Many friends with no effort. Beautiful face witb no effort. Many skills with no effort. Smart with no effort. All u do is just live for today. Ya Allah, masalahnya udh ddpn mata. I know what my problem is. Aku tinggal ngambil langkah awal dan komitmen selamanya (dr pandangan idealku). Menurutku ini keterlaluan udahan. Gak sesuai sm norma kebenaran dan norma hati nurani ku. Aku tau itu salah, tp ntah terlalu males apa terlalu goblok utk memperbaiki diri. Hidup lebih menyengsaraka  bagi ku dibanding mati. Tp ini jalan hidupku. Aku harus bear with this. Satu pertanyaa crucial, "Kalo ko mau punya anak yang cerdas dan gamau anakmu sama kayak ko skrg, ko jg hrs jd ibu yg cerdas dengan cara BERUBAH. BERHIJRAH. How can u be so sure it will work while u expect to change tomorrow? Its now. Now is the time."

       Kebiasaan ini, menunda dan lose comitment yang sering bikin diriku feel bad of myself. Itu kenyataan, dan wajar. Itu beneran salah ko. Gak salah ko nyalahin diri sendiri. Tp yg salah, efeknya aku jd skeptis sm lingkungan dan aku jd gak menghargai hal2 disekitar ku. Ayah, dont tell me ideal things. There's something wrong with my logic and concioussness side of brain. Dont tell me the right thing to do, tell me how to fix all these. Thats why I cant keep up with ur suggestion about do and evaluating. I got bigger problem. This is a mess, DISASTER. I am a SINNER. The most among the most terrible person in the world. Nothing compares me. I want everyone who read this, pray for me.